Defeated

Often times when I lay down to sleep at night, a phenomenon occurs.

It happens when I'm in that early sleep stage when I'm talking to myself. Often times I'll think of something that needs a long and intricate explanation like a philosophical analysis of "The Big Lebowski".

After my mind has released from my grasp, but before I'm in full sleep mode, is when the magic happens.

Brilliant musical and lyrical ideas are flying around in my brain. Most often when I enter this euphoric dream music state, I compose a completely original song in my head complete with lyrics and guitar solos and harmonized horn parts and catchy drum beats. And I hear this complete song, written in real mental time in my brain, and think "THIS IS AMAZING".

Now, most of you are thinking "GREAT!, wake up and write this down."
I have a notepad and pen conveniently placed next to my bed for this exact reason.

However, 1 of 2 things happens.

1 - My mind fades farther into dream land, and I'm unable to stir and document what I just heard in my head. Thus the song is lost in my head forever.

or

2 - I wake up and write the entire song down note for note. I grab my guitar and the song flows out of me onto the paper and triumphant joy rushes through me.


But, my brain is so fantastical that option number 2 never actually occurs.


Instead...


I FUCKING HAVE DREAMS OF WRITING THESE SONGS DOWN!

Vivid High Def dreams with Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound of me going "YESSS, I got it! I finally got a great song." Then, upon awaking, I would deflate and reality would set in. Another great tune lost because I had dreamt of writing it down.

And so here I sit, waiting for that inspiration to come to me that will let me compose the brilliance that I know my subconscious is capable of.

Fall Log

During a recent trip to Chicago, I visited the Field Museum of Natural History. There were all the exhibits you would expect. Rooms with large glass cases full of shiny gems and rare metals. Halls with dozens of tribal Indian outfits and massive totem poles.
My Favorite was the hundreds of displays of petrified animals posing in front of pictures of their natural habitats. First off, every time I walked by a Lion, or a Jaguar, or a Snow Leopard, or whatever other large wild feline, I couldn't help but say "awww look at the kitty!".
Not a reaction one would expect from a heterosexual male. But hey, I like cats.

I really liked how they showed the common ancestors of rare or endangered animals. For instance, they had the "Wooly Flying Squirrel" located directly next to the cleverly named "Squirrel". I paid fifteen bucks to see dead in a case, what I could see dead on the side of the road. This same thing was repeated with Pigeons, Beavers and other EXOTIC wildlife.

Anyway, after I had met all the wildlife of Africa and Asia, I made my way into the World of Birds exhibit. Not the most interesting room, especially because of the single species of birds that had only a different adjective in front of their name. Spotted, Striped, etc. Instead of examining the hundreds of species of birds on display, I used the exhibit as a Word Search type activity, which I will call a "Bird Search". Basically, I would think of a feathered animal and look around till I located it. Peacock, check, Snowy Owl, check, Turkey, oddly enough...check.

Instead of learning something, I went around like an ass looking for a stuffed, inanimate version of what I've seen many times before.

On my way out of the Bird exhibit, I saw the above shown sign. It confused the hell out of me. I then looked down, and saw what looked like a piece of firewood anchored to the ground. Demonstrating how lazy I really am, I walked away. But over the next minute wondered, what can you find under fall logs??? It ate away at me. I decided to turn around and lift the log and satisfy my curiosity.

By now, I was already back into the main hall of the museum. To gracefully turn around and feel less like an idiot, I did the "pocket-pat". It consists of you giving the illusion that you've lost something by hitting your pant pockets, checking your jacket pockets and looking around on the floor.

I know, you're wondering what was under the fall log. It was a stupid tree lizard. Captivating, I know. The sign is more interesting. It is a challenge to your sanity.

Music or Not Music

This is John Cage's "4'33". 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence. I hope you didn't watch the entire video like I did. Each second waiting for the orchestra to break into song. I eventually got anxious and skipped ahead at 30 second intervals and was surprised to hear nothing.

Cage says "Music is 2 parts, sound and silence", and this embraces only 1 element of that. Thus it isn't music.

I wouldn't consider myself clever if I wrote 10 pages of rests.

This kind of insanity is on par with Atonal Music, which is music with no key center. For instance, I could bang my head on a piano randomly and it would be Atonal music. And High School Music Theory teachers everywhere would praise me and give a senile grimace.

This piece shows me nothing about John Cage's abilities or talents as a writer. A blind, deaf, mute, quadriplegic Sea Otter in a coma could write this. I'll take it a step farther. This Musical Sea Otter could be dead and write this.

So by the transitive property of life, John Cage is a dead Sea Otter.

Headphones suck

After a lengthy hiatus and another step down the Path of Righteousness, I've returned to share my experiences with the world.

I would consider myself somewhat of a music buff. I've learned to appreciate all forms and styles of music. My previous sentence is loaded and will lead to future blog posts. Consider this one to be an initial installment in a multiple part series which will be uniquely titled at a later date.

Anyway

I, like millions of others, enjoy listening to music while working on the computer or surfing the internet. For the past several months, I've been using a cheap pair of headphones for my digital audio experience and I didn't realize how crappy they truly were until I tried my 4.1 Quadraphonic speaker system again. They allow the sounds of a driving drum line or a screaming guitar solo to engulf you.

Ok, the real reason why speakers are better than headphones is the lack of wires.
Let me explain.

Imagine me, in my rolling office chair, with a pair of headphones on, hunched over with my head nearly touching the floor, and the damn headphone wire tangled up in the chairs wheel. Forget me taking the headphones off, that would make way too much sense. Instead, I'm gonna shimmy the chair around with my ass in an attempt to unroll and untangle the wire from the wheel. Genius, I know.

After nearly being decapitated practicing the afore mentioned method, I chose to use speakers.

Now my head is safe from the evil headphones and I can serenade the entire house with cheesy 80's hair band music.

The Wal

So, I went to "The Wal" yesterday. Dane Cook fans will know. In fact, I'm gonna tell you the end of the story first. Then I'm gonna Tarantino it and start from the beginning.

So here it is.

"I just wanna shoot them in the face."

And BAM!
We're back at the beginning.

So, I go to the Wal, others might know it as Walgreens. And right as I walk in, out of my "perif", I spot the exact place that I need to go. However, for some reason, I decided to take a little stroll through the store. It's just way more exciting to walk in very long strides around the store, going up every isle, turning and tilting my head and muttering things to myself. It feels very Jack-Bauer-esq. So finally I make it around to where my products are. In this case, it was some deodorant and shaving cream. So I went up to the counter to pay for my merch and this cute girl greeted me and I replied with a greeting.

Then I pull out the card.

Now, many business establishments have different methods for running cards. At some stores, the cashier runs your card through for you. Others use the carbon paper stamp thing that bends the shit out of your card. But most places have the "self-service" card maching if you will.
The general method is to first slide your card down the slit, then select credit/debit, and generally select "yes" or "OK" to verify the amount of purchase.

I slide the card. Immediately I come to a decision that I've made many a time. Credit...or Debit? It could have been the heat, it could have been the gaze from the attractive cashier, it could have been the egg salad sandwich I had eaten prior to making the journey to the walgreens, but I CRUMBLED under the pressure. I closed my eyes and picked one at random. I immediately realized my mistake, but I had already committed. I then pushed a completely random combination of buttons that led me to the "enter-your-pin" screen. Through the confusion I said the words I never in my life would have imagined me saying, and I wanted to be sick. I said...."god, all these machines are different."

The feeling of remorse and self hatred fuming from me was palpable. In fact, I heard the lady behind me smack her lips and say "that is palpable, that man is really pissed at himself"

I began to explain to the cashier the full extent of my anger.

I used to work at a grocery store as a cashier. For 2 years, every day, every hour, every minute, I would have a customer come through and say "all these machine are different". And each time I heard it, a part of me died. Its the part of me that stops myself from reaching over the counter and grabbing the customer by their big fat head, and breaking their neck.

Anyway, to wrap it up. I told the clerk about my past, and then "I just wanna shoot them in the face"

I told a complete stranger that I wanted to discharge a fire arm in the direction of someones cranium.

Needless to say, I probably won't be getting a second date.

Or a first for that matter.

Good game me.

My blog sucks

Another step down the Path to Righteousness is to admit that my blog...
indeed...
sucks.

that is all

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Concert Etiquette - Part 1

In this multi-part series, I am going to analyze modern day "Concert Etiquette".

What is Concert Etiquette? - It is the normal, accepted, and expected behavior of an individual at a concert. In this case, I am speaking specifically of rock concerts.

In this episode, I'll be discussing the issue of...

Sitting vs. Standing

For modern day concerts, the obvious answer is Standing. There are a number of reasons. You can't really feel the music if you're on your ass. Likewise, if you want to sit on your ass and listen to music, a fantastic place is your home or car. Sitting is allowed at rock concerts should you need a break to rest your feet or relax during a slow song. But under no circumstance should one sit during the full length of a rock concert.

The rules for sitting at a concert can bend slightly should one be located in lawn seating. In the lawn case, it's really up to the people at the front of the lawn to decide if the rest of the lawn can sit or must stand. Should the front lawn people sit, then the rest of the lawn can enjoy their blankets and chairs. But if they stand, like they should, the rest of the lawn must stand.


The characteristics of the concert I'm describing above are as follows
-10,000 or more fans in attendance
-Location - large indoor arena or large outdoor pavilion
-ticket price >or= $20

If you find yourself in a small theater with 1000 people, feel free to sit the whole show.

Basically this is me venting a little about a concert I went to a short while ago where I chose to stand and 50% of the people around me chose to sit. The sitters chose to haggle the standers in an attempt to get them to sit. After an hour of the show, i was the only stander. I was standing up for the rights of standers everywhere. I stood the whole show because thats proper etiquette.

Basically, If it's a big show, your ass does not need a seat. And if you haggle someone to sit, you should be thrown out.

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